


Lies

by Annie46fic



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Depression, F/M, Infidelity, M/M, non-au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-11
Updated: 2017-06-11
Packaged: 2018-11-12 20:08:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11169159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annie46fic/pseuds/Annie46fic
Summary: The problem with lies is that they just get bigger; more complicated.  Jared finds out the hard way when he falls in love with Jensen.  Everyone in this complicated story tells lies – all Jared really wants is to tell the truth.





	Lies

**Author's Note:**

> **Warning:** A not particularly flattering portrayal of anyone. Based on _real life_ events.
> 
> This is not a true story – I have no idea what is true or false, but this is just fiction meant to entertain.
> 
> Re-post - Originally posted on my [LJ](http://annie-46fic.livejournal.com/277385.html) June 2016

The problem with lies is that they just get bigger; more complicated. That’s okay if they are only small, maybe a little white, because there is room for them to grow. Trouble is, if they start big they soon get out of hand and they have the ability to hurt. They can be painful both to the person being lied to, and the liar themselves. When lies run away with you, get out of control then that’s when your life turns to shit and there is nothing you can do about it. Nothing at all.

Jared knew all about lying. He’d started doing it when he was just a teenager confused and spotty, hormones running riot, boner springing up inappropriately at every occasion. His parents sat him down and laughed with him, explaining that it was perfectly normal, that girls in all their wonderful forms always had that effect on men. At that moment, at the tender age of fourteen, Jared Padalecki told his first lie and fell tumbling down the rabbit hole - never, ever to recover.

Girls didn’t do it for Jared. It had and always would be boys. A huge problem in San Antonio where men were men, and being anything other than huge and macho was pretty much frowned upon. 

Men rode horses and mended fences, men wore massive belts that said _Everything is Bigger in Texas_. They grew beards and built up their bodies, they dated cheerleaders and opened doors for old ladies. Sure, they were all for equal equality (on the surface at least) but the man was the breadwinner and the woman barefoot and pregnant. Jared’s family wasn’t like that of course, but they weren’t being dragged kicking and screaming into the 21st century either so he held his own council and bought copious issues of **Penthouse Forum**. He never used them but he figured if his dad or brother found them they would be pretty proud of him.

He grew tall and gangly and his mom told him he was _pretty handsome_ , but he disagreed with her. He couldn’t see anything but his stupidly big feet, and long clumsy limbs. His hair was always a greasy mess and his nose an odd shape. He managed to fly under the radar as far as girls were concerned, and that was a relief to him. He liked sports but his favorite thing was acting and he won a couple of awards for it. He had no ambitions in that field, it was just a hobby so when his cousin entered him for the **Teen Choice – Claim to Fame** he was both proud and embarrassed, and only desperate pleading from Megan forced him to go.

No one was more shocked than him when he won. Over the next few months his whole focus changed. One moment he was going to study Engineering and the next he was being signed by Freddie Prinze Jr’s agent. He felt as if he were caught in a whirlwind and the only advantage to it all was that no one talked to him about sex anymore.

 **The Gilmore Girls** was the sort of program his sister loved to watch, but it was hardly the place to _hone his craft_ as a potential actor. He enjoyed the work and it paid well, but he was homesick and out of place and he found it difficult to mix with the rest of the cast. The network threw him at Alexis and they ended up going to functions together. He guessed it looked cool, _Dean & Rory_ a couple in real life. Alexis was a nice girl, she was easy to talk to and she didn’t push anything. He liked her a lot, but there was no attraction there. He’d taken to avoiding any physical contact with anyone of either sex. If he wanted to be a successful actor then he had to concentrate on his career rather than his (non-existent) love life. His mom rang him on a regular basis, and always asked about girlfriends but he managed to dodge that ball and at least acting had made it easier for him to lie. In fact he’d become quite glib at it, but he wished he didn’t feel so guilty.

He’d started working in films and enjoyed the time he spent on film sets. **Flight of the Phoenix** had taken him to Morocco, and **House of Wax** to Australia. He’d made a few friends too, Chad for one and Sandy McCoy for another. Sandy was cute and super sweet, and his manager Dan told him he should _go for it_. Because he was now such an effective liar he did as he was told, and _went for it_. Sandy accepted his advances, told him she thought he was cute and became his arm candy for the foreseeable future. He tried not to think about what would happen when she wanted more than hugs and kisses and, instead, thought about how proud his mom would be.

He spent some time at home over the summer of 2005, and he was in San Antonio with Sandy when his agent called and told him about Supernatural. His agent sounded very excited. They wanted him to audition for Sam they said, and he’d send the script through ASAP. When it finally arrived, pristine in a thick white envelope, he was as excited as his agent was. He read through it several times and the need to get the part burned into him like fire. This was something he could get his teeth into. This was something that may very well shape his future. Sandy was happy for him too, chatting about how great it would be to spend time together, to maybe buy a little apartment in LA. He listened to her fondly, and nodded in all the right places. Sure it would be nice to have a friend close by but he wasn’t sure he was ready to actually live with Sandy, and her push for intimacy was getting harder and harder to resist. He wondered if he should just come right out and tell the truth but he didn’t want to put this role of a lifetime in jeopardy, and so he encouraged her to go and look at places and bought her some diamond earrings and a matching necklace. It was as close as he was going to get to a commitment, and he took some small comfort from the fact his mom was almost delirious with happiness.

He flew to LA to audition for Eric Kripke and a few of his associates. He was so nervous he was actually shaking and as he waited to go in, he felt as if he was going for a root canal rather than an audition. Two minutes later there was a pale faced young man sitting opposite him and he looked into soft green eyes and smiled.

“Jason Teague,” he said, aware his voice was shaking. “Right?”

“I prefer to go by Jensen,” the young man said and smiled, and Jared noted he had freckles across his nose. It was a weird thing to spot but he couldn’t take his eyes off them. It sort of made Jensen seem real, rather than something Jared had conjured up; his ideal man just served right there on a plate. He’d seen Jensen before on TV in things like **The Days of Our Lives** , **Dark Angel** and more recently **Smallville** but not in the flesh of course. Jensen was the prettiest man Jared had ever laid eyes on, all wide eyes and soft lush lips, and it was easy to see why he was so popular with the network. He was four years older than Jared so he had a little more experience and it would be nice to actually work with someone who could give him some tips, someone who he could look up to and learn from. He only wished that he hadn’t been crushing on Jensen for so long because that would make things more than awkward. From the few things he had read Jensen was a full bloodied male who dated centerfolds, and he certainly wouldn’t have much interest in a long, lanky streak of piss like Jared.

“Jared.” It took all of his courage to lean forward and hold out his hand to the man opposite him. “Looks like we’re the only ones here.”

“Yeah.” Strong fingers gripped his and held on a little too tight. “I’m going for Dean, what about you?”

“Sam” This guy was going to be his older brother then. He knew it, knew it right there and then. Fate moves in mysterious ways and sometimes, sometimes it bites you right in the ass. “I’m gonna be Sam.”

Jensen beamed at him and nodded.

“Yeah,” he agreed. “I guess you are.”

****

They got the gig, and to be honest Jared knew it was never in doubt. The pilot was shot in Los Angeles and they were working with David Nutter which in itself was awesome. Better than that he got on with Jensen like a house on fire and, if he didn’t’ think about his crush, it was almost as if they were brothers in real life. The powers-that-be loved the pilot. They loved their chemistry. Loved pretty much everything, and the series was picked up in an instant. The downside was it was gonna be shot in Vancouver, as it was more cost effective, and Jared tried to pretend he wasn’t relieved that Sandy’s _‘living together’_ plan wasn’t about to come to fruition.

He got an apartment because he wanted room for the dogs. He wasn’t going to live so far away from home without his furry friends, and no one seemed to mind that he brought them to set with him. Those first few weeks were insane, and he didn’t think he slept at all, but he was really happy and, for the first time in his life, he felt he belonged somewhere.

****

Jensen was awesome; there was no other word for it. Jared just couldn’t stop staring at his co-star. He was a great actor, and subtle too. He only gave Jared tips when he asked for them, gently advising him to maybe do this or that to make things better. 

They spent all their leisure time together too; drinking in out of the way bars, and getting into stupid fights. One night Jared actually broke two fingers and he got a piece ripped out of him by Kripke. Jensen just laughed it off and flung an arm around his shoulders.

“I’ll have to help you dress then,” he said with a wink and Jared flushed pink, his mouth too dry for him to form a quick comeback.

In Jensen’s company he started to develop. He went from fairly quiet and shy, to loud and outgoing. Jensen was pretty self-contained and he didn’t like doing interviews much. He could be quite short with the reporters that constantly hung around the set. Jared found himself taking on the role as Jensen’s _protector_ and, through that role, he found his own personality. He found he didn’t mind the attention, in fact he actually craved it and, instead of hiding behind his lies he stepped out into the limelight. He no longer worried about this and that. Happy and confident and – fuck it – in love.

****

He missed Jensen when they weren’t together and he spent his leisure time with Sandy (of course) but he was constantly texting his co-star; wishing him a _Happy Thanksgiving_ or a _Merry Christmas_ , or whatever holiday they were celebrating at the time.

“Honestly, Jared . . . ,” Sandy crept into his lap and snuggled up to him. They were at his family’s Christmas party and she was wearing a paper hat askew on her head, both of them a little drunk on too much beer and his dad’s homemade wine. “Don’t you get enough of each other on set? This is our time.”

“Yeah, sorry.” He put his cell down and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. They’d been together now for nearly two years, and they still hadn’t done anything. He wondered what anyone would say if they found out he was still a fucking virgin at the age of twenty-three, and he already knew that the press would have a field day about it. Sandy seemed patient enough. Due to an early tragedy she hadn’t got a family of her own, and she seemed happy to be part of his. They were the best of friends. She never pushed, and she seemed to accept him as he was. One day though it was gonna happen, and he couldn’t help but feel stupidly nervous about it all. He didn’t want Sandy like that and deep down, what was ultimately worse, was that he knew he desperately wanted Jensen.

****

Christmas was over and he was back on set relieved to be there. Jensen was already in make-up and he gave Jared a thumbs up, teeth white beneath the brown liquid shit they were forced to wear. Jared had to stop himself from running over and hugging him, hold himself back from just grabbing Jensen and kissing his mouth off. 

“How was Christmas?” He settled for sitting next to his friend, tipping his head back so Jeannie could start on him.

“Yeah, it was okay. I spent some time with family, had a few days in LA with Danneel.” He shrugged and Jared thrust down the bitter taste of jealousy in his throat at the mention of the redhead. “You?”

“Did family things. Sandy was there of course,” he wished he could sound more enthusiastic, wished he didn’t want to say, _it should have been you_. 

“Of course,” Jensen beamed. “About time you bought that girl a ring! She puts up with a hell of a lot.”

“That’s what my mom says.” The last thing he wanted was to marry Sandy. If he did that he’d be trapped in his lie for fucking ever. He licked his lips searching frantically for an excuse.  
“I . . . um . . . she does a lot of work in LA, and I couldn’t ask her to move here. I guess I want to wait till we’re more settled.” It was a feeble reply, but Jensen accepted it with his usual grin.

“Sensible, Padalecki. Sensible.”

He felt his shoulders relax and his mouth curve into a grin of its own.

“Yeah,” he was surprised that he could talk through the lump of guilt in his throat. “That’s me - fucking sensible.”

****

No-one was the least bit surprised when they were renewed for another season. The program was a huge success, and they were attracting a lot of female attention. Fan mail began to arrive by the sack full, and invitations to conventions were passed onto them by their respective managers. Jared found himself doing photo shoots that invariably ended up with him half naked, and he began to work out more often. Jensen joined him, and the two of them would spend hours in the gym. It was sweet torture watching Jensen train, seeing Jensen flex his muscles, do squats and lifts. His stocky body turning more and more muscular. Jared had never been more pleased that Sam wore baggy pants and huge shirts because it was getting difficult to hide his hard ons, his leisure time spent beating off in his trailer trying to think of Sandy and failing utterly miserably, as his mind was filled with images of Jensen. 

It wasn’t just lust though. He was more in love than ever, and he knew that people were beginning to suspect. Kim Manners watched him closely, the director a lot more savvy that Jared gave him credit for. Fans posted pictures of the two of them online, and made comments about the _fondness_ in Jared’s eyes. He attempted to hide it, attempted to hold back his constant displays of affection. He had no idea what Jensen thought, no idea at all but the last thing he wanted was to hurt or upset the man he loved so he carried on laughing at the stupid articles, and shaking his head at the J2 stories that started to appear with almost alarming regularity. He had nothing to offer Jensen; Jensen was dating Danneel, and he was straight . . . and to all intents and purposes so was Jared. 

It had to stop. He forced himself to spend more of his downtime with Sandy, and forced himself to be more affectionate. She was a great girl. She never demanded more, and he loved her dearly. He just wasn’t in love with her, and that was the problem.

****

They were nearly a third through Season two when the _love scene_ was brought up. It was Sam’s first, Jared’s too if truth be known, and when he read to script he thought he was going to have some sort of panic attack. He was twenty-four years old and the thought of _pretending_ to make love to someone was giving him a virtual meltdown. 

“Jared,” it was Jensen’s voice coming from the left, where Jensen always sat during the read through. “Jared, are you okay?”

He hadn’t realized he’d closed his eyes until he opened them again and found himself looking into familiar green orbs. He swallowed and forced a grin onto his face, forced himself to laugh almost carelessly.

“Yeah,” he said and nodded. “I was just thinking I’m gonna have to work out more.”

“Yeah,” Jensen seemed relieved and gave a laugh of his own. “Gonna need a cock sock too.”

Jared swallowed; he’d worn one once before when he’d had _wax_ poured over him during filming in Australia, but he’d never worn one to do this. He shook his head and ran a hand through his hair. How was he gonna tell them, tell any of them that he’d never actually made love with anyone before let alone a beautiful woman.

“Jared,” that concerned voice again and Jensen had stopped laughing. He was just staring at Jared, his expression confused. “Hey, Bob,” Jensen was talking to Robert Singer now, voice soft and pleading. “I think maybe I should get Jared a coffee, that okay?”

“Yeah boys, take five.” Robert nodded and waved his hand expansively. “We need to look at the technical side of things for a while anyhow. Have something to eat Jared.” He smiled. “You look a little pale.”

Jensen took his arm and hauled him to his feet. They moved out of the reading room and into the fresh morning air. It was still pretty cold for the time of year and he shivered wrapping his arms around himself as he stumbled towards the craft tent.

“Go sit in your trailer.” Jensen squeezed his shoulder. “I’ll get us coffee and food. You look fucking awful Jared. You sure you are feeling okay?”

He shook his head, a sudden need honesty overtaking him.

“I do feel a little weird,” he confessed and was grateful for Jensen’s understanding, the older man shoving him gently towards his trailer.

“You’ll feel better with something inside of you.” Jensen’s tone was reassuring and Jared nodded relieved.

Jensen was right, he did feel better for some food in his belly. He sat on the edge of his bed with Jensen next to him and they ate in companionable silence for a while.

“Is it the love scene?” After a while Jensen nudged his shoulder. “You worried about that?”

His mouth was dry and his tongue stuck to the roof of it almost too big to fit. So many things rushed through his mind then and he set his sandwich aside as he tried to think what to say, tried to think of a way of telling Jensen the truth.

“Do you think Sandy will be jealous?” Jensen was still talking. “You know – seeing you with another girl.”

For a moment the world stopped and Jared paused, this was his opportunity to be honest. This was the opening he was looking for. He could come out right now, figuratively and literally, to his best friend and he wouldn’t have to hide. Instead he looked into those trusting green eyes, the eyes he loved and grinned, thankful that Jensen had given him a reason, an explanation that suited the situation.

“Yeah,” he said and laughed and hoped it didn’t sound forced. “This . . . .” He gestured to his body with a grin. “Is hers, and she doesn’t like anyone else gettin' their hands on it.”

“I hear you,” Jensen laughed along with him and he had to swallow down the lump in his throat. “It’s just part of the job, man . . . like the fake blood, and fight scenes. Hell, Danneel had to get naked for **Ten Inch Hero** , but I knew that hot body belonged to me. It's just part of the job.”

Jared bit his lip and carried on laughing - the best acting he’d done in decades.

“Just part of the job.”

Like pretending you were straight and lying about it. Like hiding the fact you were desperately in love with your best friend, because lying like that, was just all part of the fucking job.

****

As it turned out the love scene went really well; the actress who played Madison was great, and encouraging. The fan sites went wild with pictures of his half naked body appearing everywhere. He good naturedly endured the teasing for weeks, but was secretly relieved everything had gone so well. Sandy rang him up from LA to congratulate him and he felt happy enough to suggest she fly up and spend the weekend in Vancouver. After what had happened he decided it was best he tamp down any feelings he had, and try to be the good straight boy everyone wanted him to be. He was tired of lying, and perhaps it was time to make it truth.

He made love to Sandy on a Saturday night in his apartment, the dogs shut in the kitchen and some sappy movie playing on his DVD. He was ever so slightly wasted, and she was gentle and eager. It wasn’t the disaster it might have been but it didn’t exactly rock his world (or hers either if he was honest). She must have known right there and then it wasn’t’ what he wanted, but she was getting as good at denial as he was and the two of them just went with it. _Young and in love_ his momma said with pride in her voice, and he knew she was thinking about rings and white satin while he was just thinking about ending it unable to cope with lying for much longer.

****

Season 3 brought the inevitable breakdown. He wasn’t sure how long it had been coming, perhaps he’d been heading that way since his first lie but when it came, boy did it hit hard. He was lying in his trailer with all the lights out when Jensen found him. The older man sat on the side of the bed and ran a hand through his hair, fingers wrapping through sweaty strands, voice low with concern. Jen asked if he wanted Sandy or his momma, but all he could do was cry; snot and tears smearing down his face. He didn’t want anyone but Jensen, but if he told his friend that then . . . then he might ruin what friendship existed between them. How could he admit how much he wanted Jensen? He’d backed himself into a corner, and there was no escape not now. Not ever.

The doctor gave him a couple of weeks off, some medication and a lot of _self-help_ pamphlets. He read those from cover to cover determined to _help himself_. Deep down he knew that being honest would be the only thing that would make it better, but he had mired himself so deep in lies that he had to keep up the walls he’d built. He couldn’t let them fall.

 

The writer’s strike came bang in the middle of hiatus and it meant that the vacation went on longer. On impulse he took Sandy to Paris and they spent a few _romantic_ nights in a five star hotel. Sandy was so happy and grateful and she did everything to make him feel better. They made love twice, and he almost convinced himself everything was alright. He knew he wasn’t thinking clearly when he bought the ring, and knew he was giving the performance of his life when he dropped to one knee and proposed in the Louvre in front of Sandy’s favorite painting. She was delighted and hugged him crying and saying _‘Yes’_ over, and over.

He lay awake long after she’d gone to sleep. He couldn’t stop thinking about Jensen. He knew his friend would be happy that Jared had decided to _make an honest woman_ of Sandy, that he had finally _manned up_ , and done something about it. Thing was, he didn’t really want Sandy. He wanted Jen, and the despair he felt at knowing he could never have him made him weep.

****

“Congratulations,” Jensen said and gave him a hug. “Have you set a date yet?”

He shook his head. The last few months had been insane, his momma and Sandy spending hours talking about wedding dresses, favors and all the other things that getting married seemed to involve.

“I’m leaving that to the women in my life.” He swallowed down the lump that threatened to choke him and buried his head in Jensen’s neck, the hug going on a lot longer than was necessary.

“Yeah, don’t blame you for that.” Jensen’s hand brushed through his hair and he felt his cock begin to respond to even that gentle of touches. He backed off then trying to ignore the confusion in Jensen’s eyes. “If there’s anything I can do just ask.”

“Just be here,” he knew he sounded pathetic and needy. The writer’s strike had ended but there were only four more episodes left to film. As an established show they’d been lucky, a lot more had been cancelled, and Season four looked likely. Jared never knew whether to be happy or miserable. Another season. Another six or so months spent with Jensen. Another six or so months of lying. Maybe marriage would change things. Fuck, he hoped so. He was so damn tired of being miserable, and acting happy and not even medication and a good counselor could change that fact.

****

Friday 13th wasn’t exactly a classic of its time, but he enjoyed filming and being someone else other than Sam. Jensen was miles away making his own horror film, and they kept in touch by email, skype and endless cell phone calls. Jared found he was actually happy for once. He didn’t have anything to hide, and he was getting on really well with all of his co-stars particularly Danielle Panabaker who shared a similar sense of humor as him and, in an odd way, reminded him of Jensen. He took her out to lunch a few times, and they went to dinner together with the rest of the cast. Their relationship was purely platonic but that didn’t stop the rumors and he found himself on the phone to Sandy, who was angry and accusing.

“There’s nothing between us,” he said, for what seemed like the fiftieth time. “Nothing at all, babe.”

“Really? Because I get the impression that you don’t really love me, not like you should.” Sandy was crying and his heart clenched painfully. “I've felt it for some time, to be honest.”

What could he say? You’re right. I love you, but I’m not in love with you? I’m gay, and in love with my best friend? He swallowed down lumps of guilt and pain and tried to explain, but he knew she wasn’t listening and he knew it was the end.

He had to do a con in Dallas without Jensen, and he found himself telling fans it was all over with Sandy. It was probably the most difficult thing he’d done in his life but somehow his feelings were more of relief than anything else. He hadn’t loved Sandy the way he should have done, and if he’d married her then it would have been a huge mistake. That didn’t stop him sweating like a pig and stumbling over his words as he spoke to a sea of curious faces. Jim Beaver stood behind him in stoic support, but he wished Jensen was there. He needed him. Wanted him, and he felt as if he was holding back tears, pain flooding through his veins, and making him choke on his words.

****

“Makes sense I should move in with you,” Jensen beamed at him and he tried to grin back, his stomach clenched tight, hope and fear making him mute. “Keep you company and help you get over your broken heart.” He gave Jared a playful slap on the arm. “It’ll be fun, Jay.”

Would it? Jensen round him 24/7 and Danneel coming to stay, forcing Jared to watch them, to swallow down jealousy. He wanted to tell Jensen his heart wasn’t broken, and that he had more than enough money to afford his own apartment but instead he nodded, hoping his enthusiasm wasn’t forced.

“As long as you help me with the mutts, dude,” he said, finally and Jensen laughed.

****

Season Four and a few words of sympathy from everyone before they started filming. Jeannie was playing idly with his hair and her voice was laden with sadness.

“Always thought you and Sandy would make it,” she said, finally.

“Yeah, me too,” he lied and refused to meet his own eyes in the mirror.

It hadn’t been as bad as he’d thought having Jensen close by. It was nice having a companion, someone to talk too late at night when he couldn’t sleep, someone to play games with, and to walk the dogs with. He imagined that’s what marriage would be like, a good marriage like his parents had. He laughed at himself. Wishing he was really married to Jensen, loving the time they spent together, enjoying making breakfast for him and cooking meals for them both when they got home with enough time to eat. Despite spending all day at work with the guy he couldn’t get enough and he was lost, more in love than ever, so deep that he would never claw his way out.

There were a couple of new cast members for them to meet. Misha seemed nice enough, sarcastic and funny, keen to join the _gang_ so to speak. Genevieve was the new Ruby, and Jared knew they were going to have a lot of scenes together including – Sera had warned him – a sex scene that she expected to be hot. Jared made an effort to get to know the _new girl_ but he found her oddly stand-offish, terse and critical. Jensen shrugged his shoulders as she rejected his offer of coffee, and pulled faces behind her back causing the both of them to giggle childishly. Jared couldn’t quite make her out, he was used to people being friendly with them, joining in with their banter and on set jokes. Genevieve seemed determined to avoid him and it made him oddly curious about her.

Still he had other things on his mind. Danneel appeared most weekends, and her very presence ate him up with jealousy. He liked her well enough, but the fact she could have the one thing denied to him made him stupidly angry and he found himself spending hours in the park, or walking through the forests that surrounded the area. The dogs enjoyed it, but he felt like he was being treated like a stranger in his own home and he wished Jensen would tell her to leave, to go away. He knew, on a rational level, that he was being foolish but he didn’t feel particularly rational. He felt lonely, and neglected, and he wondered if he would ever feel normal. He wondered if he would ever be able to stop lying, and just be himself.

When he got back to the house Jensen was sitting on the couch watching sports, feet up, beer in hand.

“Where’s Danneel?” Jared let the mutts off their leashes and slumped next to him snatching the bottle from his grasp and taking a large swallow.

“Gone, dude. She has filming tomorrow.” Jensen glanced at him. “You’ve been a long time. I thought you’d got lost.”

“Nah, just giving you two some privacy.”

“You don’t need to do that.” Jensen’s eyes were on his face and there was something about his expression that made Jared feel uneasy, his heart thundering in his chest and breath catching. “This is your house.”

“I know, but you . . . .” Jared swallowed. “I don’t feel right being here when she’s around. Y'know.”

“I don’t know.” Jensen narrowed his eyes, and Jared dropped the beer bottle on the coffee table with a thud. “Tell me.”

“I-I . . . ,” he wanted to say something, make some stupid platitude about being a spare part and not wanting to be in the way. Jensen was still looking at him, intense, and the lies wouldn’t come. He couldn’t form the words. He couldn’t keep lying, it wasn’t fair to Jensen. It wasn’t fair to himself. “I can’t stay here,” he choked it out. “I can't watch you together.”

“Why?” Green eyes held his and Jared wanted to cry. 

“Because I’m jealous,” he stated softly.

“Of me and Danneel?” Jensen frowned. “Is it . . . y’know, because of what happened between you and Sandy?”

“No.” His mouth was so dry it felt as if he’d swallowed a ton of grit. “I’m jealous of Danneel,” it was out and he couldn’t bear to look Jensen in the eye. “I'm jealous because she’s with you, and I’m not.” Tears began to trickle down his cheeks and it was like a lifetimes worth of angst coming out in that one single moment. “I love you,” he whispered. "I'm in love with you. I’ve loved you since that first fucking season. I’m sorry.”

There was an awful silence in the room, he could hear his own sobbing breath and the distant click of Sadie’s paws on the kitchen tiles but Jensen didn’t say a word. There was no acknowledgement and worse no angry words. No, _how could you hide something like this, for so long?_. No, _we can’t be friends after this_. He couldn’t stop the tears from flooding down his face and in the end he buried his head in his hands and just let go. When he had finally stopped weeping he looked up at the empty space in front of him and wondered if he could actually go on.

****

It should have been awkward but it wasn’t, and he knew it was all down to Jensen. Jensen was the best actor in the world but he was also the greatest friend. He acted like Jared had never broken down, never confessed his greatest secret, or his hidden sin. They got back on set the next day with Jared looking and feeling like shit. It got so bad the director asked if he needed to go lie down, and he shook his head and stared across at Jensen who was leaning against the wall wearing Dean’s leather jacket and Dean’s game face.

“He’s okay,” Jensen spoke softly. “I guess we drank too much last night, and Jared didn’t sleep so well.”

“Fair enough.” The director sat back in his chair and grinned. “Let’s get on with it then.”

Dean and Sam weren’t getting on so well. Dean was angry about Sam’s liaisons with Ruby and the fact he was using his powers. Jared found himself mired in Sam’s head-space; a dangerous, confused place. He wanted to talk to someone, anyone but he couldn’t. He wished Jensen would just acknowledge what had happened. He wished Jensen would give him something, even if it was a punch on the jaw. Instead, his friend just moved around him like normal and when they got home at night continued to cook meals, play X-Box and walk the dogs as if nothing had happened, and Jared began to wonder if he had gone mad and hadn’t actually confessed to Jensen at all.

In the end he couldn’t cope, he couldn’t handle it a moment longer. He waited until Friday, the weekend ahead of them and then he grabbed Jensen by the arm and pulled him down on the couch, anger and confusion fueling his outburst.

“You need to talk to me man,” he managed to say before the tears came again, and he felt like the biggest fucking wuss on the planet. “I know what I said. I know it shocked you, but you just can’t ignore it, Jensen.” He grabbed Jensen’s hands and held him there. “You just can’t.”

“Jared.” Green eyes met his and Jensen was annoyingly calm. “What do you want from me? You want me to tell you that I feel the same? That I’ve been hiding my feelings, and I want us to have a relationship? You want me to kiss you, and sweep you up like some movie heroine. A fucking happy ending!”

“I-I . . . .” he was crying harder now, and he wished that everything would just stop.

“I’m not gay, Jared. Not that I’ve got anything against anyone who is - but I’m not gay.” He pulled Jared towards him and put his arms around his neck, gentle and tender. “That doesn’t mean I don’t love you man, because I do. You are the best friend I’ve ever had, and I hate it when you are hurt or miserable. I hate that I can’t do the one thing that will make you happy. I want to be your friend. I want us to share this place, and I want to carry on working with you. I want you to be a groomsman at my wedding if I decide to make Danneel an honest woman, but I can’t give you anything more, Jared. I’m so fucking sorry.”

Jared nodded then, fighting through the tears and trying to stop weeping. He wished he’d carried on lying but the problem with lies is that they just get bigger and more complicated. They can be painful both to the person being lied to, and the liar themselves. Now he’d been more than honest and it still fucking hurt. He shook his head trying to clear it and he buried his head in Jensen’s shoulder, tears wetting the older man’s shirt.

“I’m sorry,” he kept repeating, over and over, like a mantra. 

****

And so he kept on going. He made more of an effort with Genevieve, and she came around. She wasn’t anywhere near his type but her seriousness and her stand-offish behavior made her more interesting, and he pursued her with some vigor. He wasn’t sure he really wanted her, and he was pretty much convinced that she wasn’t that bothered about him but he needed someone to take his mind off Jensen, and she was as good a person as anyone.

Things calmed down. They remained friends. They still went out drinking, began to share stupid moments together again, got their banter going at conventions, and mourned together when Kim died. Fans still talked about their chemistry and shipped J2, people were still convinced they were in a relationship with each other, and Jared just kept on lying.

He proposed to Gen in much the same manner as he had proposed to Sandy; she said yes but he knew it was because he give her all the things she wanted in life. He could give her the designer clothes and handbags she craved. He could give her a beautiful house. She never need work again, but she could come with him to conventions, they could be _Sam & Ruby_. His mom was overjoyed, and he was pleased he was making his family happy. He went through the motions and found he was quite good at it. He got so good he almost believed it, almost believed his own lies. He believed it when he told Gen he loved her, believed it when he told the fans how wonderful she was. At least now he wasn’t alone in his deception, they were both fucking liars. He knew, deep down, she didn’t really like him let alone love him, but they just kept on playing the game.

****

They married in Sun Valley, Idaho on a freezing cold day in late February. He cried when he saw her walk down the aisle, but his tears weren’t ones of happiness - they were tears of absolute frustration and desperation, his eyes on his groomsmen. On one in particular, on Jensen. He still loved the guy, but he’d become really good at hiding it. Jensen never mentioned that day when Jared decided to _confess_ everything. After a while they’d fallen back into their old familiar friendship, still went drinking, still shared most of their spare time in Vancouver. Jared spent time with Jensen’s family; Jensen spent time with Jared’s. They were brothers in real life or so the publicity statements said. Jared found that sickly amusing because the feelings he still had for Jensen were far from brotherly.

Oddly enough his relationship with Gen was much more physical than the one he’d had with Sandy. He found himself almost enjoying sex, and it was a relief in all ways both mentally and physically. She wasn’t (and never would be) what he really wanted, but he knew he was never going to have that now so he had better make the best of it. He had a life to lead and, unless he wanted to lead it in utter misery, he had to move on.

****

He attended Jensen’s wedding and spent a good amount of time in the rest room sobbing stupidly into his hands. He was alone, Gen had gone to her best friends nuptials and he didn’t have a _date_ as such. He kept a low profile, and snuck away before Jensen had time to say goodbye. He felt something break in him on that day. He knew it was the end of any hope he might have secretly been harboring. Thing was unbeknown to him, he wasn’t the only person who had been lying and that was the trouble with lies - they always mired you deep, and they always hurt.

****

“Gen’s pregnant!” He nudged Jensen’s shoulder as they sat next to each other in the make-up trailer. They were a quarter of a way through Season seven and Jared couldn’t help but wonder if Supernatural would ever end. “She’s due in March,” he couldn’t hold back the grin that seemed to be permanently fixed to his face since Gen had told him her news. He hadn’t thought it was possible to feel so fucking happy again, and the surge of affection he suddenly had for his wife made him feel warm inside.

“Yeah?” Green eyes met his and, for the first time in a while, he couldn’t read Jensen’s expression. “I thought you wanted to wait until after the series had finished.”

“Biological clock, and all that.” Jared was smiling again and Jensen returned his grin. “Never thought I’d be a dad,” he almost gave voice to his thoughts _’what with me being gay, and all_ ,’ but he kept quiet. They were getting on so well, and things were actually pretty great. “You wanna' go out tonight, wet the baby’s tiny head?”

“I seriously doubt your baby will be that tiny,” Jensen said and finally nudged back. “But, yeah. It’s Friday and, given your news, I guess the powers-that-be will let us have some time off. Danneel isn’t expecting me back this weekend. What about Gen?”

“Visiting her family. Her mom wants to go shopping to buy the whole baby department at some expensive store.” Jared couldn’t keep the grin off his face. “I’m gonna be a dad, Jen,” he murmured, heart thick with joy. “I’m actually gonna' be a dad.”

“I’m happy for you, Jay,” Jensen said, but he didn’t sound happy, and Jared couldn’t help but wonder if something was wrong. He desperately wanted to keep Jensen’s friendship, relieved that his _true confession_ hadn’t ruined what they had. Hell, even with the news of his impending parenthood he hadn’t stopped wanting Jensen, he’d just buried it deeper and hoped that it never surfaced.

****

They were drunk. The taxi dropped them outside Jared’s house and he fumbled with the key, dropped it twice much to Jensen’s amusement, the older man making _come on daddy_ comments. Finally he got the door open and they staggered through the door giggling like children. Hell, he knew it was the beer but he felt fucking great. He felt better than he had in decades, and he leaned against Jensen for a moment while he caught his breath. The older man was soft and pliant beneath his fingers, no tension on his shoulders, relaxed. Jensen moved closer and flung his arm around Jared’s shoulder, burying his head in the juncture between neck and blade. Jared shuddered, and his cock perked up despite the amount of alcohol he’d consumed. Jensen laughed close to his ear and then, to Jared’s infinite shock, he tugged Jared’s chin upwards and kissed him.

The world stood still. Jensen’s mouth was warm and soft, and he smelled of old spice and El Sol. His tongue was gentle as it pushed against the seam of Jared’s lips encouraging Jared to take it inside. For a moment he let it happen; a dream come true right there and then. The two of them kissing like teenagers, Jared’s erection almost painful in its insistence. Common sense took over and he pushed hard against Jensen’s broad chest. Jensen staggered a little and their mouths parted, green eyes staring into his dazed and confused.

“What the fuck?” Jared felt anger, irrational and sharp, burning through his gut and he wondered if he would throw up. “What the fuck, Jensen?”

“It’s not cause I’m drunk.” Jensen looked a little stunned but oddly sober, solid on his feet and anchored. “I’ve wanted to do that for a while.”

“No!” Jared shook his head and, foolishly, tears began to flood his eyes, trickling down his cheeks. “You said . . . you said you weren’t gay! You said you couldn’t give me anything more. Shit, you’re married now, and so am I. I’m gonna' have a kid! Why are you doin' this now?”

Jensen was as sober as a judge now; beer buzz worn off, eyes on Jared’s face sharper than jade.

“I lied to you,Jay,” he spoke low as if someone could hear him. “I lied because I was so scared of my feelings. I never thought of myself as gay. I’d never been attracted to men, but you - shit, you were different. I wanted you from the get go, and it terrified the life out of me. When you . . .I had to do somethin', and I just couldn’t . . . . My parents. My family. All those fucking people out there following my career. If they found out I was even a little bit gay, it was over.”

Jared’s legs gave out and he slumped to the floor. He was out and out sobbing now, and he wondered if he had gone insane. He must be hearing things. Why would Jensen do this? Say this? He let his head flop into his hands and he cried harder. Lies they might hurt but this, this was agony.

****

He woke up in his own bed wearing just his boxers. His eyes and mouth hurt, and he felt as if he’d eaten dirt. He could smell coffee strong and sweet, and he propped himself up in bed trying to recall how he’d gotten there.

“Morning.” Jensen came through the door carrying a tray of breakfast and a huge pot of coffee. Jared’s mouth went dry as the memories of last night came flooding back, and he felt like a fool and a huge cry-baby as sharp images of Jensen lifting him to his feet and taking him to bed came into focus. Then he remembered Jensen cleaning his tear-stained face and stroking his hair until he felt sleepy. Jensen who had confessed his feelings. Jensen the fucking liar, who Jared would never stop loving whatever.

“Morning.” He took the tray with shaky hands and settled it over his lap. He hadn’t thought he was hungry but the scent of bacon made his stomach rumble, and he began to pick at it to show some semblance of eating it, trying to delay the obvious.

“I guess you must hate me.” Jensen perched on the bed next to him and stole a link of sausage. “After what I said.”

“You gonna' tell me you didn’t mean it?” Jared licked his lips and lifted his coffee cup. “Or that it was the drink talking.”

“No.” Jensen shook his head. “I meant every word of it, but I guess I left it way too late.”

Jared wanted to push the plate off his lap. He wanted to punch Jensen in the mouth. He wanted to scream at the unfairness of it all. Instead he shook his head wondering what was going to happen now.

“I never stopped loving you,” he stated, his breath punched out of him on a sigh. “I don’t love Gen, and I’m certain she doesn’t love me. I’m happy she is gonna' give me a kid. I’m happy that we are gonna' be a family, but I wish it was you.”

“I don’t think I could get pregnant,” Jensen’s laugh was forced. “But I get what you mean. I-I tried to tell myself I loved Danneel, but I’m lying to myself and I’m fed up with lying.”

“Why? Why didn’t you tell me when I confessed how I felt?”

“Because I didn’t want it to be true. I thought if I denied it . . . .” he shrugged and wiped at his face. “I was wrong.”

“What are we gonna' do now?” Jared hardly dared ask the question, he feared the answer, feared it with all of his heart and soul. “Tell me, Jen? What are we gonna' do?”

“You still want me?” Jensen sounded hopeful and scared all at once. “You still want this?”

“Always.” Jared pushed his plate to one side, half eaten food tipping onto the floor. “I’ve never stopped loving you, or wanting you.”

Jensen swallowed and reached for him.

“I don’t know what I’m doin',” he whispered.

“Neither do I,” Jared confessed and then they were kissing hard and passionate, nearly eight years of secrets, eight years of lies pushed away by those kisses as Jensen pushed him down into the mattress and stripped at his clothing, fingers brushing across hectic skin. It was happening, it was really happening and for the first time in his life, Jared had what he wanted.

****

Thomas was born on 19th March 2012. He was a big baby and Jared loved him on sight. Gen had done well, given birth to what Jared jokingly called, _a monster_ without too much help and the moment had brought them closer together. Jared never told Genevieve what happened between him and Jensen. In reality there was no real need. Genevieve knew that Jared wasn’t in love with her, and it didn’t much bother her. Their relationship was almost business like at this point, and although Genevieve wasn’t the beard that the fan pages claimed she was, she certainly wasn’t the love of his life.

Jared never knew what Jensen told Danneel but the redhead’s attitude towards him changed. She was cold towards him. She ignored him at social events, and tried to avoid spending any time with him. Jared didn’t much care either way. He was too much in love to care about anything other than Jensen, and now his love was reciprocated he couldn’t be happier. He enjoyed the time that they spent in Vancouver together. He didn’t complain about the longer working hours, the night shoots, and the freezing cold. Sure he wished he could spend more time with his son, but Thomas was still just a baby and they had their whole lives ahead of them. 

Jensen wanted kids too, and it didn’t take him long to persuade Danneel to have a baby. When she announced she was pregnant Jensen was over the moon and talked for hours about how they were going to be a family one day. Jared listened rapt. He knew, deep down, that they were lying to themselves when they talked about Supernatural ending, about living together with their kids. He knew that Genevieve wouldn’t let Thomas go without a fight, knew that Danneel would fight tooth and nail to keep her baby. Jensen’s vision of _happy families_ would never come to pass, but he went along with it anyway. He had nearly everything he had ever wanted, and so what if he was still lying to his family, his friends, and his fucking wife. It didn’t matter. It couldn’t matter. All that really mattered was Jensen, and Jared was going to hang on tight to his lover. Hang on tight and never, ever let go.

****

He bought a house in Austin, somewhere to go when he wasn’t in Vancouver. He left the decorating and organizing to Genevieve because he knew she’d love it. He gave her a credit card with a massive limit and told her to _go for it_. They spent some time together, had some photos taken for the family album and took Thomas out to the zoo and the park. Genevieve told him she didn’t want her eldest son to be an only child, and he agreed that they should have another. Genevieve wasn’t getting any younger and if that was all she wanted from him then that was fine. He was living in a dream world, and he was honest enough to acknowledge that. Sometimes the depression that had gripped him all those years ago came back to bite him on the ass, and he had to fight hard to keep a grip on things. The Jared Padalecki that the fans knew wasn’t the _real_ Jared by a long shot. He hated that most of all. He hated lying to the fans faces. He loathed playing the doting husband whenever Genevieve insisted on coming to conventions with him. Hated that he had to constantly acknowledge her, pretend he was straight, and pretend that Jensen was like a brother to him. He might be a good actor but he couldn’t hide how he felt about Jensen. He adored him. He couldn’t keep his hands off him, and he knew the fans loved the fact they were so close. He knew they wrote about them, knew a lot of them thought that J2 was the real deal. Jensen, for his part, was uneasy about it. He’d hidden his feelings for Jared for that reason, and it was hard for him. He wasn’t such a good liar and Jared knew he didn’t like lying to his parents. As for Danneel – well she knew something wasn’t right but she didn’t know what. As far as she was concerned Jensen was her devoted husband, father to their beautiful daughter and the man she was going to spend the rest of her life with.

****

And so it was; still mired in lies and deception and still as much in love as he was all those years ago. Season 11 was coming to an end, and Season 12 was now a reality. They were mired deep in their characters and mired deep in each other, and Jared couldn’t ever see things changing.

Jensen moved his family to Austin not long after Shep was born. Now they were together all year round. They went to conventions together, spent their leisure time together and their kids were the best of friends. Jared read the articles, heard the cries of _oh they are like brothers in real-life_ , and he couldn’t help but smile to himself. They were nothing like brothers, he only thing they had in common with Sam and Dean was that they were emotionally co-dependent, and they needed each other like they needed air. Sometimes Jared wondered if it had been better if Jensen hadn’t ever confessed that he shared Jared’s feelings. Perhaps they could have survived lying to each other, rather than lying to everyone else. Now they were in so deep there was no digging themselves out. Sex was snatched and desperate, the best sex he’d ever had in his life. All he really wanted was to be honest, to stand on the stage at a convention or to make a live Facebook video. All he really wanted to do was to shout out as loud as he could, _‘I LOVE JENSEN’._

They talked about it often, _when the series ends_ , _a few years down the line_. They got excited about it, made plans for them to be one big happy family - Jared, Jensen and their kids.

But that was the real trouble with lies; they started small and got bigger and even now, after all this time, Jared knew, knew that he was still lying. He was lying to his family, to his friends and to himself. The biggest lie of all was his future with Jensen. They had no future. Not really, but all Jared could do was keep on lying and pray that one day he might actually tell the truth.

End


End file.
